Sunday, September 21, 2008

He(s) Who Shaped My History

You might feel that you are not old enough
but you have been so much into the fights

Oh, can anyone tell me, how long have I lived here,
In the land where I have seen so much pain?

It was once, when life had been unkind
I questioned myself on when the fights will be gone

Those days of bruising skins and wounded heart
Those days when knife and broken glasses, literally,
were things those I anticipated every minutes even in my dreams

It was once, when life was unkind
I questioned myself when the rainbow will come
All I saw was clouds and thunderstorm
Of search - of betrayal of faith - of utopia
Of a little girl dreaming of a better place to live

He, who used to have me cry at his back that night,
knew how I shed my tears
for a friend who came back to the street out of weaknesses

He left without saying goodbye,
then one day after we met again and long hours of cigarettes late at night
I knew he loves me always

And another he, who used to take me to the hill to watch the stars
knew how I shed my tears for boundaries built by faith

He left without saying goodbye
then one day after we met again we sat by a lake
He told me he loved me always

He, who used to watch me falling asleep in my red couch
heard the violence that shaped my life so loud

I left without saying goodbye
then one day after we met again he took me for a night ride
He told me that he loved me always

He, who used to place a piece of Ebudae in our night ride
digged deep into my soul and heard
that for whatever reason I wouldn't sell my soul

We separated in pain
then one day when forgiving was there I called him
He was so happy and I know he loved me always
(May you rest in peace, my friend...)

He, who used to sit with me that afternoon by the lake
Saw how I grew up and shaped my faith

We decided to say goodbye
then one day when we met again he said I am still the one and only

And this morning as he sent me a flower at the chat box
He said that I am always the most beautiful girl that he loves

He, who used to run and dance with me after midnight in Jakarta's streets
Knew how fragile I was

He left without saying goodbye
We have never met again ever since he travelled the planet
Now his wife has my eyes and my smile

He, who used to carve my name at every beaches in Bali
knew how much I dreamt of peaceful life

We were in love for so long
Until I decided to say goodbye
Then one day when we met again
We were drawn in cry

He is still special for me
And I remain the same for him

He, who used to patch my luggages in his yellow car
knew how much I seek for love out of desperation

He disappeared.
Then one day when we met again
We smiled at each other, and in sudden we know that we can be good friends

He, who used to sit next to the fire with me at the mountains
Once said that I am a diamond unseen

He, who used to sit with me on the roof of our office
Watched me grow and glow

He, who used to be with me watching the sunsets from the highest spot in my town
knew how I shed my tears for every little things that shaped my life

He, who used to embrace my weary head at long nights in hospital
Knew how much I struggle towards my metamorph

So many Hes in my path
With one thing in common:
Valedictions

Then thousands of hopes heard my messages
Of self esteem, of actions to be done
Of restlesness of a mind
Of a longing to be me

Me that I want to be
Where episodes of He(s) would be just memory
In the name of my soul
In the name of my strength
In the name of dignity

I want to redeem the victory
Take of my handcuff
And set myself free

From traps of romantic ruptures
From romance and erotica
From utopia
From catastrophes of two sexes' crash

I'm longing for a big bang that would shape my universe
as a place where I can breathe
as a place where I can live

As they tie theit knots before this year's autumn
I know that I tie my knot to my destiny
As they spelled their oath to the other ladies than me
I know that I spell my oath to me

First,
They are history
Then, my life is my story.